Former Duck Dynasty star Sadie Robertson has been open about her struggle with postpartum depression since she welcomed her first child, daughter Honey, in May. Robertson, 24, shared her constant "fear" amid that struggle in the latest episode of her WHOA That's Good podcast this week. Honey, Robertson's first child with her husband Christian Huff, was born on May 11.
Honey's birth "didn't all go quite as planned," and there were complications during her delivery, Robertson revealed, reports Entertainment Tonight. At first, Robertson did not understand how those complications would affect her body because of the medication and helpful nurses at the hospital. That "false confidence" disappeared when she got home. "I was in more pain than I'd ever been in, honestly, in my whole life. For real," Robertson explained. "I just laid on the couch and I started crying so hard... I could not stop crying."
A month after Honey was born, Robertson finally stopped being "in really, really bad" physical pain, she said. Still, she continued dealing with feelings of fear and anxiety. She said her anxiety has only gotten worse since Honey was born. "I'm constantly trying to fight fear in my life," she continued. "Postpartum, it was so many emotions happening that I couldn't really fight the fear like I normally do. All of a sudden I was in a state of anxiety. I didn't even realize that it was creeping up as much as it was."
After leaving the hospital, Robertson felt a swirl of dark what-ifs rolling through her mind. This led to her also asking herself if Honey was really OK and if she really made it through the complications. She even wondered if something was wrong with Honey and herself. The dark thoughts developed into "such a toxic brain spiral" and "extreme anxiety," she said. "I didn't even realize that those thoughts throughout the day were making me jittery, were making me have all the feelings of anxiety, were making my chest feel super tight and like I couldn't breathe," she added.
At first, Robertson didn't tell anyone the pain she was going through. She struggled to understand how she could feel so much joy about becoming a mom while also experiencing "so much fear." She soon realized that she didn't have to choose between those feelings though. "The reason why I was so fearful is because I loved her so much," Robertson realized. "The reason that I even cared if something happened is because I loved her so much and I was so happy to get to be her mom. However, just because it makes rational sense that I had some fear, doesn't mean that's something I needed to live with or I needed to soak on."
Robertson later recalled how she suddenly began crying while she was watching a movie with her family. She told Huff, 23, she was "so scared" that something could happen to Honey and she was worried she was "not going to get to be the mom that I want to be to her." At this moment, Robertson said she learned Huff was also struggling with fear. It was difficult for him to watch Robertson in labor before Honey was born. "We both needed to open up about it. We just didn't want to because we didn't want to seem like we were ungrateful, but actually, it wasn't that at all," she said. "It was that we were so grateful that we didn't know what to do with these huge emotions."
After Robertson began opening up about her struggles, she also began therapy and journaling. She also turned to her faith to help her through her anxiety. Today, two months after Honey's birth, she now feels that being a mother is "the greatest honor in my life." She later added, "I love being Honey James' mom. I love doing it with Christian. We are a team in it all. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I can't wait to see the times to come. I'm thankful for where we've been, but I'm very excited for where we're going and what we've learned along the journey."