Allison Holker Boss Opens up About Husband tWitch's Death in First Interview

Allison Holker Boss is opening up about the death of her husband, Stephen "tWitch" Boss, in the first interview since the beloved Ellen DeGeneres Show DJ's family was left reeling when he died by suicide on Dec. 13 at age 40. Holker, who met and fell in love with her husband in 2010 when they appeared on So You Think You Can Dance, spoke to PEOPLE for a new profile in which she discussed picking up the pieces for her family and continuing Boss' legacy.

"No one had any inkling that he was low. He didn't want people to know," said Holker, 35. "He just wanted to be everyone's Superman and protector." The dancer has spent the last few months struggling to reconcile the "beautiful" life she and Boss built with their daughters – Weslie, 14, and Zaia, 3, and son Maddox, 7 – and the pain he must have kept bottled up.

"It's been really hard because I can't understand what was happening in that moment [he died]," shared Holker, who added, "I could allow myself to go to a really dark place right now, and that would be valid and fine. But I want to choose a different way for myself and the kids." That different way Holker is choosing is one in which she continues her husband's legacy and fights for more mental health initiatives through the Move with Kindness Foundation.

"Stephen brought so much joy to this world, and he deserves to be remembered as the beautiful man he was," she said. Through mental health awareness, Holker wants people to know that not only should they check on even their "strongest" friends, but that if you yourself are feeling low or depressed, "it's okay to lean on someone else" and "trust that people are still going to see you as that light even in your darkest moments."

Holker and Boss had always tried to spread hope and positivity together, and after his death, the mother of three admitted she was "really confused" what her new purpose would be. "Then I actually spoke to my friend, Andy Grammer, and I expressed to him, 'How am I going to still live out what I know is my purpose – love and joy – and has always been my family's purpose?'" she remembered. "He said, 'Allison, it's still your purpose. It just looks a bit different now – and it's a little more depth-filled.' I'll never forget that conversation because I feel like I knew it inside of me, but hearing it from a friend that I still have that purpose is helping me move forward as well."

If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. The previous Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available.