'Never Felt More Alone': Heartbreak for Tori Spelling as She Breaks Silence on Divorce From Dean McDermott

Tori Spelling is speaking candidly about her divorce from Dean McDermott. The Beverly Hills, 90210 actress broke her silence on Monday about the end of her marriage of 18 years after filing for divorce late last month, revealing in the premiere episode of her new podcast misSPELLING that she was recording just moments after she filed.

"I've never felt more alone," Spelling, 50, said in the podcast, published March 31. "I don't feel worth loving. That's the truth. And that's something that's just in you, it's not something I wanted or created. That starts when you're young." Spelling kicked off the podcast by calling McDermott, 57, and leaving him a voicemail to let him know about the divorce filing.

"There's this weird thing that I didn't know about before that you have to be careful with your ex. It's a he-said, she-said, who filed first. I had to file and go through the process and then once it was accepted and publicly posted, then I'm allowed to call and fill in my ex. So I just called Dean," Spelling explained. "He's working and I have to tell him and I'm super nervous because I don't like confrontation."

The actress revealed that she had been telling herself to end her marriage for "like 15 years," but never went through with it because she wanted to protect McDermott and their kids – Liam, 17, Stella, 15, Hattie, 12, Finn, 11 and Beau, 7. "We always say, 'Hey, it made it 18 years. It shouldn't have made it 18 years," Spelling said. "And I think he would say the same thing if he and I had a real heart-to-heart. It would have been over a lot sooner."

Spelling recalled that she and McDermott had this "very quick, passionate falling in love period" when they met in 2005 on the set of the TV movie, Mind Over Murder. "I just remember I could show him me. It wasn't like, the cute like, giggly, 'this is what people want me to be,'" she recalled. "I was able to be like, loud... I could have a foul mouth. I'm not just Donna Martin, the perfect good girl. I could have some bad girl in me and it was okay. And he liked all those sides and he saw how smart I was and accepted me."

There were plenty of red flags, however, including McDermott's "anger issues" exacerbated by their lives in the spotlight. "I said from the beginning, 'It's going to be a lot. I've been told it's an emasculating road.' And he was like, 'I can handle it,' " Spelling shared. "I don't think he knew how big it would be. How big the life I was given and live is. I think he was like, 'Oh yeah, things come and go.' But with me, it never went. From the moment I was born, I was in the press. There hasn't been a reprieve from it. So you kind of have to be used to jumping on board with that world and getting through it and owning it. And I thought he was on board with that."

Their relationship changed dramatically after having kids as well, as Spelling said she became "completely focused on the kids and kind of left him, in a way." She recalled, " I was the parent. And it was a lot of responsibility while also rebuilding a career – which I did. We became a family brand. I went from Hollywood rich girl... to like, cool mom. 'Look at her. She does it all.' Meanwhile, behind the scenes, it was all falling apart."

Going to therapy to work on their issues over the years, Spelling said they never were able to connect about their concerns, as McDermott was often upset about Spelling's messiness and numerous pets while she was concerned about his "temper," which was "often fueled by alcohol." McDermott, who is sober now, has previously acknowledged how his drinking impacted his marriage, and Spelling agreed that she would often "dance on the eggshells" when things began to "turn" for him after a few drinks.

'It was like a fight. A mental fight," she said. " 'I think he might aim here and if he aims here with what he says, I'm going to respond this way and it'll take him down.' And it got to the point where nothing would make sense and I would just know to stop talking. And that usually, just space and stop talking, it was hard. "

Since their separation, listed as June 17, 2023, in her court filing, Spelling has been spotted kissing Neuron Syndicate Inc. CEO Ryan Cramer, while McDermott is seeing new girlfriend Lily Calo.