If you and your spouse aren’t having as much sex as you used to, you’re not alone. Newsweek estimates that 15 to 20 percent of married couples are in a sexless marriage, defined as having sex 10 times or less in a year. While all marriages and sex lives are different, you’re actually the best judge of whether or not your sex life needs a revamp.
If the lack of sex with your partner is gnawing at you, then you know it’s probably time to take action. If you and your partner are happy the way things are, having only occasional sex might not be the worst thing in the world either.
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The good thing to remember is that the ebb and flow of sex and sexual expression changes naturally over the course of a relationship. It’s natural to experience different spurts in sexual activity, and if you’ve found yourself in a rut, there are effective strategies to get back into the flow. Check out these ways to revive your sexless marriage.
Don’t wait until the sex is gone to address the issue.
A lack of sex is probably the direct result of a lack of communication between the two of you. Fixing that communication issue and opening up to your partner about your concerns with your sex life can do wonders in the bedroom. Ask your spouse how they feel. Offer some reasons as to why you, personally, haven’t been initiating sex as much. Or if you have, and your partner shuts your efforts down, ask if there’s anything different you can do.
Use “I” versus “you” statements.
When you do decide to bring up your concerns to your partner, weigh your words heavily. Instead of saying “You never want to have sex anymore”, try something like “I miss you.” Putting your partner on blast will only make things worse, and it’s important to own your role or responsibility in the lack of sex as well.
Prioritize your relationship.
Couples who have been together for a long time often get into the swing of the daily routine and lose sight of that spark that brought them together so long ago. Set aside time to spend together at least three times a week. This can include anything from a special date to simply enjoying your morning coffee together. Binge watch a few episodes of your favorite TV show; work out together. By recreating the intimacy in your relationship, you can more easily recreate the intimacy in the bedroom.
Keep your couple rituals.
A couple ritual is a habit that you and your spouse do together that’s unique to your own relationship. Maybe it’s brushing your teeth together; maybe it’s kissing before leaving for work and when you see each other again at the end of the day. If you don’t have a couple ritual, create one. Keep it going throughout the years.
Flirt with each other.
Ah, remember flirting? Take a page out of your younger days’ journal and flirt with your partner again. It’s a key component of fueling that sexual fire your marriage is missing. Hold your partner’s eye for a beat too long when you’re out in public, dress to impress, toss your hair, speak in innuendos every so often. Keep flirting. You’ll see how naturally sex comes after that.
Send each other romantic texts.
What better way to fix a dry spell than to flood each other’s inbox with confidence-boosting, romantic texts? Talk about the qualities you love most in your spouse, like what a great parent, listener or friend they are. Reminisce on the first few years of your relationship when things were exciting and new. If things get hot and heavy via iMessage, let them! Send a few racy messages during the work day to let your spouse know you want to get down and dirty after business hours.
Cuddle more often.
If the reason the two of you don’t cuddle more often is because you feel as if cuddling has to lead to something more, tell your partner that. Let them know that you want to touch them or be touched without feeling like it has to go anywhere. But cuddling doesn’t have to just be a form of foreplay. It releases oxytocin, the love and bonding hormone that makes you feel happy and peaceful.
Shower together.
Line the master bathroom with candles, play some soft music and hop into the shower or bath with your partner. This doesn’t necessarily have to lead to sex (although it certainly can). Try using the time to pay attention to each other’s bodies like you haven’t in a long time. Give your spouse a sensual massage while you wash his or her body. Tell your partner what feels good and what doesn’t. Listen when your partner tells you the same thing.
Put yourself in the mood.
If you wait until you’re horny to initiate sex, you might be waiting for longer than you bargained for. The stress of marriage and everyday life might not leave time for your body to feel frisky, so instead take it upon yourself to get proactive about it. Forget about your worries for a minute and take the time to think about sex. Think about the sexiest times you’ve had with your partner. Remember what you love doing to your spouse, and what you like receiving in return. Pretty soon you’ll be in the mood and rearing to go.
When you need help, see a therapist.
Oftentimes couples are afraid to admit that they need professional help. Don’t let pride or miscommunication get in the way of your happiness. Seeing a couple’s therapist could do wonders in opening up issues you didn’t know where there on your spouse’s side. A few weeks or months of therapy might be all you need to get back on track.
