Catelynn Lowell shares a lot with fans on MTV's Teen Mom OG, especially when it comes to her struggles with depression and anxiety. She recently spoke even more candidly about the topic, explaining exactly how she felt after suffering a miscarriage, and how it led to suicidal thoughts.
Lowell, 27, appeared on the Reality Life With Kate Casey, on which she revealed that after losing the baby — which was documented by the network's cameras — she started waking up mid-panic attack. When the condition persisted, she grew depressed and started having intrusive thoughts about hurting herself, she admitted.
"It was after we struggled with a miscarriage, and I kept waking up with panic attacks, and they were not going away, and it was for, like, two weeks," Lowell explained. "And I think when you keep waking up with panic attacks over and over, it leads me into a depression, and I just remember thinking like, 'I don't want to wake up like this anymore,' and I was just thinking random things like, 'I'm gonna drive off the road and hit that pole,' or thinking all these different ways that I could commit suicide."
While she didn't act on her suicidal ideations, she came very close and that was when Lowell knew she needed to seek help.
"I was in the house by myself. Nova was at school. Tyler was with our producer, and they were doing like yoga or something, and I was at the house by myself, and I remember [Tyler] had a belt hanging up on one of the hooks in our bedroom, and I remember thinking to myself, 'I could totally use that belt and wrap it around my neck and just be done with it,'" she said.
Lowell immediately realized "something's not right." She decided to go to husband Tyler Baltierra, and others close to her, and let them in on what was happening.
"I was just honest with them, and I said, you know, 'I'm really thinking all these crazy things,' and, um, I was just like, you know, 'I think I need to get help before I do something like a) I'll either regret or, you know, I just need to do something' because having those crazy thoughts and stuff," she said.
From her experience, Lowell learned that it's "OK to be sad sometimes."
"It's OK to be like, 'Wow, it sucks sometimes,' and also feel the good too. But you have to feel the sad of it too. You can't just brush it off. In order to get better, you have to feel whatever you're feeling," the MTV star said.
These days, Lowell is feeling much "stronger." She opened up in the Teen Mom OG season premiere about her separation from Baltierra, and the lessons she learned from it. Lowell admitted on the show that parenting her daughter alone for a while showed her that she can stand on her own two feet.
"I grew a lot more independent during our separation, so now that we're back together, I don't want Tyler to feel like he's my caretaker again," she told the camera during the episode. "I don't want Tyler to feel like he's walking on eggshells around me again because I'm stronger than I was before the separation. So I want to communicate openly so resentment doesn't build up."
Later in the show, she sat down with Baltierra to discuss their time apart. Lowell admitted to her husband that it showed her she doesn't "need" him.
"If he ends up wanting to divorce me, I guess, whatever, I'll be sad, but I don't f—ng need you," she told him. "I could do this on my own. If you were to leave, I could be a mom — I could be a bada— mom and not even give a s—."
Lowell added, "I want you forever, but I don't need you."
Teen Mom OG airs Mondays at 9 p.m. ET on MTV.