‘Law & Order: SVU’ Star Mariska Hargitay Reveals She Was Raped in Her 30s

While Mariska Hargitay helps sexual assault victims put away their predators on Law & Order: SVU, in real life, she is one of those victims. Via Deadline, the actress wrote an essay for the newest issue of People, in which she revealed she was raped in her 30s. For a while, she even believed “it wasn’t rape” and even told husband Peter Hermann so, since her assailant was a man she considered her friend. Or at least, thought she considered her friend.

“It wasn’t sexual at all. It was dominance and control. Overpowering control,” Hargitay wrote. “He was a friend. Then he wasn’t. I tried all the ways I knew to get out of it. I tried to make jokes, to be charming, to set a boundary, to reason, to say no. He grabbed me by the arms and held me down. I was terrified. I didn’t want it to escalate to violence. I now know it was already sexual violence, but I was afraid he would become physically violent.”

“I went into freeze mode, a common trauma response when there is no option to escape. I checked out of my body,” Hargitay continued. “It never happened. Now, I honor that part: I did what I had to do to survive. Then things started shifting in me, and I began talking about it more in earnest with those closest to me. They were the first ones to call it what it was. They were gentle and kind and careful, but their naming it was important. It wasn’t a confrontation, like ‘You need to deal with what happened,’ it was more like looking at it in the light of day: ‘Here is what it means when someone rapes another person, so on your own time, it could be useful to compare that to what was done to you.’ Then, I had my own realization. My own reckoning.”

Hargitay has been portraying Olivia Benson on SVU since 1999. While it may be hard being on a show that specifically centers around sex crimes may be a bit hard when you yourself are a victim of sexual assault, Hargitay has found the good in it. The series, approaching its 25th season, has given victims a voice through their traumas and the ability to fight back. Along with her work on SVU, Hargitay founded Joyful Heart in 2004, which heals, educates, and empowers survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse.

“This is a painful part of my story,” Hargitay admitted. “The experience was horrible. But it doesn’t come close to defining me, in the same way that no other single part of my story defines me. No single part of anyone’s story defines them.” Although it can’t be easy getting something like that out in the open, she will no doubt be helping others share their own stories and hopefully realizing they are not alone. The essay comes ahead of SVU on Jan. 18 on NBC.