TikTok star Bella Poarch released her latest single, “Living Hell,” earlier this month and opened up about the inspiration behind the track in an emotional Instagram post Thursday. The song was inspired by her and her family’s struggles in the Philippines and the therapy she hoped would help her escape “childhood trauma.” Even the video’s set was inspired by her childhood bedroom and the importance the color yellow held for her.
“Living Hell” is the story of her childhood, Poarch, 25, wrote. “It’s a story about how I struggled growing up inside a real-life living hell in a tiny room in the Philippines,” Poarch wrote. “My whole life, I’ve been trying to escape my childhood trauma, my living hell, and no matter how much therapy I do, no matter how much medicine I take, and no matter how far I try to run away…it always comes back to haunt me.”
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The music video prominently features yellow, and the set is inspired by Poarch’s bedroom grew up in. According to Poarch, she was “forced” to like yellow by her parents. This was a way of them “letting me know that they have the power in the house.” There was also a lock on the outside of her bedroom because her parents “wanted to make sure that I didn’t escape when I was in there.”
It was “really hard” for her to relive her childhood trauma by making the music video, but she hopes to speak out more about her experience when she is ready. She then had a message for her fans.
“Sorry for the essay. The reason I’m writing this is that I want all of you who are reading this and all of you who have supported me along this journey to understand that I love you more than you know,” she wrote. “You guys are my escape. You guys are why I wake up every day. You guys are the reason that I’m able to break free from this mess and in my darkest times, understand that things are going to be okay. I truly can’t thank you enough and I want you to know that I’m here for you the same way that you’re here for me.”
Poarch also had a message to those who may have had similar experiences, dedicating the song to them. “To anyone who is also going through their own living hell, you will escape and I’ll be right there by your side,” she wrote. “This one’s for you.”
The “Living Hell” music video was released on Aug. 11 and the track is featured on her debut EP Dolls, alongside the title track and her 2021 hits “Build a B—” and “Inferno.” Poarch is one of the most-followed TikTok users worldwide, with over 91.2 million followers, behind only Khaby Lame and Charli D’Amelio. She signed a record contract with Warner Records last year.
Poarch was born in the Philippines and adopted by a Filipino mother and a father who served in the U.S. military. She previously opened up about her traumatic childhood on the H3 Podcast podcast last year, recalling that she and her adopted brother were both abused by their father. She also served in the U.S. Navy from 2017 to 2020 and has openly supported the fight to stop anti-Asian hate.
