Rose McGowan Lost ‘Grip on Sanity’ in Wake of Alleged Harvey Weinstein Rape

Rose McGowan splits her life into “B.C.” and “A.D.” compartments — all revolving around her alleged encounter with Harvey Weinstein.

The actress was among the first round of women to come forward to accuse the Hollywood heavyweight of sexual assault and she has become a driving force of the #MeToo movement. Regardless, McGowan is still haunted by the event and subsequent decades of silence.

“Part of you has been left behind,” she told Vanity Fair. “You just got killed… You still have the million-yard stare and don’t know what the f— just happened to you.”

McGowan said her encounter with Weinstein happened during the 1997 Sundance Film Festival as she attended to promote her film Going All the Way, presented by Weinstein’s former company Miramax. She said she was called to his suite, and though she initially refused, her management team told her she needed to respect the executive’s request.

While details of the alleged rape are being withheld for publication in McGowan’s forthcoming memoir Brave, McGowan spoke publicly to accuse Weinstein late last year, despite reaching a $100,000 settlement to keep quiet. According to The New York Times, McGowan was one of eight women paid not to disclose their encounters with Weinstein.

The actress also recounts in her memoir the disturbing “mind games” that occurred after she opened up to director Robert Rodriguez, whom she was once dating, about Weinstein’s crimes. Rather than support her, she said he used his knowledge to force her into an attack scene in the Planet Terror and Death Proof double feature, then “sold our film to my monster.”

“I was in a backward world,” she told Vanity Fair of the powerful man’s trickery. “I was losing my grip on sanity.”

She said Brave, which has been in the works for three years, isn’t just about Weinstein; it calls out “all of them” in the Hollywood circle.

“I’ve had this giant monster strapped to me for 20 years,” McGowan says. “He’s always been gunning for me. But that’s okay — I’ve been gunning for him, too.”

“They built a motherf—ing beast, and they built a motherf—ing problem. I am that problem to all of them. He represents all of them to me. And that’s why he must be slayed,” she added. “So many women have been strapped around him. He ate so many of our souls that he couldn’t tell which way was which.”

Despite claims from McGowan and dozens of other women, Weinstein’s attorneys deny any allegations of sexual assault on behalf of the disgraced high-profile executive.

“Mr. Weinstein has never at any time committed an act of sexual assault, and it is wrong and irresponsible to conflate claims of impolitic behavior or consensual sexual contact later regretted, with an untrue claim of criminal conduct,” his lawyers told PEOPLE. “There is a wide canyon between mere allegation and truth, and we are confident that any sober calculation of the facts will prove no legal wrongdoing occurred.”

McGowan’s memoir Brave is available January 29. The actress has also landed a five-part docuseries on E! to follow McGowan through her recent revelations, both in the news and behind the scenes.