Jamie Otis is getting real about her traumatic miscarriage on the three year "angelversary" of losing her and husband Doug Hehner's firstborn son. The Married at First Sight alum took to Instagram Saturday to share heartbreaking photos from throughout her pregnancy, including a snapshot of the couple cradling their late son in the hospital, sharing her experience with other people suffering something similar.
"Happy angelversary to our first born son, Johnathan Edward," she began. "Three years ago today I sat on a hospital stretcher pushing and screaming in excruciating pain. I was delivering my baby boy at just 17 weeks, 1 day pregnant. I remember this day vividly. The pain was an out of body experience. It was a pain my SOUL felt."
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Otis recalled holding her "tiny and fragile" baby close to her and kissing his face, although she knew "he was way too small to survive."
"I hate that I never got the chance to rock him to sleep or bounce him til he laughed," she admitted. "My heart aches I couldn't protect and nurture him. I'd have given *anything* to keep him safe so he could grow to be healthy, happy & strong."
"I always wonder what it'd be like to have him running around the house," Otis continued. "Would he have liked cars and trucks or bugs and animals? I know he is up in heaven bouncing on clouds and dancing with the angels now."
Before saying goodbye to her son, Otis revealed she promised to spend her life honoring him, a promise she will never break.
"I truly believe that my angel up in heaven is watching over us everyday and we will meet again one day," she wrote. "Until then, I will spend my life honoring his short one."
Closing with advice to other people dealing with miscarriage and loss, Otis explained, "I won't say 'Everything happens for a reason' or 'At least you know you can get pregnant' bc I remember secretly hating it every time someone said things like that to me. Like, what could be a good reason for Johnathan not having the chance at life? AND yes I am thankful I can get pregnant but I wanted THAT pregnancy - THAT baby."
"What I will say is this: Even though you're going through some of the darkest days of your life, please know the storm doesn't come without leaving a rainbow at the end," she added. "And it's ok to cry, scream, and GRIEVE as long as you need."
Photo credit: Instagram/Jamie Otis