‘SNL’ Cold Open Roasts Lori Loughlin, Julian Assange With Michael Keaton

SNL‘s cold open this week took a break from politics and the Mueller report to head back to prison as part of a spoof on MSNBC’s Lockup — since the Mueller report was a “bust.” And guess who they have behind bars: Lori Loughlin.

That’s right, the show is finally taking on the ongoing college admissions scandal and alleged involvement of Louglin and her husband Mossimo Giannulli.

“I paid $500 grand to get my daughter into USC,” Loughlin (Kate McKinnon) says in the sketch. “You heard me, I paid $500 grand to a women’s crew coach to say my daughter was good at rowing. I’m loco.”

The show has its fun with Loughlin and her daughter Olivia Jade’s status as an influencer, even placing her as the queen of the prison. She owns the guards, she’s a member of the Nation of Islam, and its all thanks to the deep pockets she apparently has — allegedly. Just call her Aunt Becky.

And don’t think she’s alone either. Not only do we Loughlin pretty much becoming the queen of prison, thanks to some well-timed payments, but we also get Michael Avenatti (Pete Davidson) and the recently arrested Julian Assange played by Michael Keaton.

While her fellow inmates think they’re hard, Loughlin has some news for her.

“You think prison is hard? I’ve done 68 Hallmark movies,” SNL‘s Loughlin admits. “I have seen Hell man. And in half of those Hallmark movies, I marry Santa’s son. I’m going to take your heart and I’m going to cut. It. Out.” And yes, she does do Dave Coulier’s trademark move from Full House.

The crazy talk pulls Davidson’s Avenatti into the mix, noting all of the alleged crimes the high-profile lawyer was recently connected to while noting how he could still run for president — with a nod to SNL guest Alec Baldwin.

But none of them are crazier than Julian Assange, played nothing like the real person by Michael Keaton. And it’s actually better than the real thing because we just have Keaton playing himself essentially while dropping in a few lines about being a supervillain and quoting himself from Batman.

“Yeah, you cheat your schools and rob your companies. That’s cute. It is. I’ve attacked the U.S. military, b—es. Cause I’m an actual James Bond supervillain. And I’m one step away from destroying the god d—nd Moon,” Keaton’s Assange says. “So you wanna get nuts, c’mon! Let’s get nuts.”

Of course, you could end it with Assange, but why stop there. SNL also brings in Tekashi 6ix9ine for a quick sight gag about how the craziest looking one is locked up for the actual normal crimes.

Still, I wouldn’t mess with Lori Loughlin. SNL‘s version is not playing around and is far from the sweet woman TMZ has been following around.

Give us that Oz/Full House crossover, Netflix!