While Chapman has talked about his own personal feelings on Beth's death and how he has had trouble keeping on weight, his latest admission has a connection to the memorial event on Saturday. He reveals to Entertainment Tonight that he still hasn't fulfilled the final wishes of his wife, finding it hard to say goodbye for the final time.
Sitting with ET, Chapman reveals the discussion he and his wife had about her final wishes, including his confusion about cremation.
"Well, I've never done ashes in my life," the reality star tells ET. "And that's what she wanted. And then she wants me to do it and put the same thing, guess put it on the fireplace or something, so, this is the most morbid stuff. ... When I was a little boy, all the Christians [said] you can't get burned because then you won't rise from the grave with Jesus. And then I said, 'Honey, you know, what about that?' She goes, 'It's from ashes to ashes to dust to dust.'"
"Well, she said scatter some, leave some on the fireplace, of course when I go to heaven, she wants me in the box with her," Chapman continued.
He goes on to admit that he's gotten to a point where he didn't want to let go of the ashes, including Beth's final wishes of being scattered about. Instead, Chapman says he had some unhealthy thoughts about what he wanted to do with the ashes.
"So, I wanted to put them in the car and seatbelt them in," he says. "And I want to take them with me. But that's like, morbid, you know?" Dog admits. "You gotta really watch it. These are the times when people go over the edge. And you really gotta watch how you do 'cause my life, I went through experiences to help others -- I really mean this."
Chapman goes on to reveal that he keeps the ashes by the bed for the moment in order to see Beth every morning, adding that it may be there "forever" after he finally settles down.0comments
"You know, I was going to do all the scattering, and then I looked at it and thought, 'I'm not gonna throw you, like, away. I'm just gonna throw you away and start over?' I can't do that," Dog opens up about with ET. "I haven't gotten past the place where I'm still putting a pillow where she was, and covering it up, like the jailhouse escape, right? I mean it. And then I wake up in the middle of the night and I see her and it doesn't register that ain't her. I'm still there."
Beth Chapman's memorial in Colorado will be streamed live on WGN's website starting at 1 p.m. PT/ 4 p.m. ET. You can also catch Dog this fall on WGN America when Dog's Most Wanted premieres.