Billie Eilish Opens up About Her History With Self-Harm in New Documentary: ‘I Thought I Deserved It’

Billie Eilish is opening up about her history with self-harm, saying in her new documentary that she “thought I deserved it.” During the new Apple TV+ film, Eilish shares that she is “really bad at taking care of my mental health,” and elaborated on what that led to at certain dark moments. [Please Note: This story contains discussions and details of self-harm, and may be triggering for some readers.]

The singer explained that when she was around 14 and 15 years old she “had razors hidden in places” around “little corners of my room.” She also stated that she would hide Band-Aids as well, and would always have “Band-Aids on my wrists.” She added, “I was literally locking myself in the bathroom and making myself bleed, ’cause I thought that I deserved it.” Her mother, Maggie, also spoke on behalf of her daughter’s mental health, offered a parental perspective. “It’s a hard time for teenagers, I think. People are like, ‘Oh, Billie Eilish‘s music is depressing.’ It’s like, no, kids are depressed,” she said. “There’s a lot to be depressed about right now.”

“If you’re a teenager, you’re dealing with parents probably who lived through the recession like us, who’ve been scared that they’re gonna lose their homes or have financial hardship,” Maggie continues. “You’re living in a culture with an opioid epidemic and a drug epidemic. You’re facing, possibly, the destruction of the planet. You’re in a political climate that is terrifying, racist, hateful. It is a horrible time to be a teenager.”

Eilish also comments on the way her music is interpreted, saying, “People are always like, ‘It’s so dark. Have happy music.’ But like, I’m never feeling happy. So why would I write about things I don’t know about? I feel the dark things. I feel them very strongly. Why would I not talk about them?”

The documentary was shot over the course of 140 days and began production in 2018. Director R.J. Cutler spoke with ET’s Katie Krause and shared why he wanted the world to see Eilish’s story. [For] every 17-year-old, your 17th year’s quite a ride,” Cutler said. “But this one involved, you know, emerging as the voice of a generation, if not the voice of our time, and the burdens, responsibilities, privileges, opportunities that go along with that.” Billie Eilish: The World’s a Little Blurry is now streaming on Apple TV+ for subscribers.