A Collection of Bobby Heenan’s Finest Quotes

Yesterday evening, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan passed away the the age of 73.

His contributions to the wrestling world cannot be overstated. As a manager, Heenan fond himself involved in some of the most iconic of WWE moments. However, most will remember him for his unparalleled ability in the broadcast booth.

With razor sharp wit and humor that was bone dry, Heenan uttered some of the most comical lines in WWE history. Whether he was partnered with Gorilla Monsoon or Tony Schiavone, Heenan was necessary viewing.

Heenan’s ability to crack perfectly timed jokes about talent, fans, and himself endeared him to generations. In memory of the incomparable Bobby, Heenan, let’s enjoy some of his greatest quotes.

Disparaging WWE Talent

Few could dismiss an discredit WWE Superstars like Heenan. In a flash of wit, he’d have you questioning the legitimacy of your favorite wrestlers. 

“The bad thing about the Bushwhackers is that win, lose, or draw, you gotta have everything you got on fumigated.“

Gorilla: (Referring to Koko B. Ware’s bird, Frankie) “Those birds can live to be twenty-five or thirty years old.”

Brain: “Not in my house.”

Gorilla: “I’m sure…”

Brain: “If he was in my house he’d be in a shake ‘n’ bake bag; do you like your parrots original or extra crispy?”

Gorilla: “Will you stop?”

“Piper’s obviously not been in a good mood. He’s been sitting in Alcatraz probably eating cockroaches all week.”

Brain: You know, I could make a lot of money with Typhoon.

Ross: How would you do that?

Brain: Well, I wouldn’t have him wrestle. I’d take him to shopping centres and let kids ride him for a couple of bucks.

 

“Mike McGuirk is living proof that even with the best physicians in the world, there’s no cure for ugly.”

Hometown Insults

One of the easiest way to get “heat” in wrestling to to take cheap shots at the hometown crowd. Heenan was a master of prodding the local audience. 

“North Dakota State. What do you have to do there to graduate? Milk a cow with your left hand?”

This (Paris,France) wouldn’t be a bad place, but it’s full of Frenchmen.

Hawaii’s the 50th state? I thought it was a suburb of Guam.

 

Are there any swamps in Oklahoma? Yes, there is. It’s called Tulsa.

Ross: Back in Oklahoma, Bobby, we called a match like this a slobberknocker

Bobby: I thought that’s what they called the waitress at the Tip Top cafe in Downtown Tulsa.

Picking on the Harts

The Hart Family Dynasty was low hanging fruit for any heel announcer in WWE. For Heenan, he used the family’s patriarch, Stu (Bret and Owen’s father) as a punching bag.

“Stu Hart trained all his kids–only three of them use the litter box.”

 

On Stu Hart’s jacket, which has a picture of a bear on the back) “Oh look! He’s got a picture of Helen on the back of his jacket, isn’t that nice…”

 

“I asked Stu Hart earlier. I said, ‘Stu, you gotta be proud of your boys.’ He said, ‘I have boys?’”

On life

 

“If you’re poor and you do something stupid, you’re nuts. If you’re rich and do something stupid, you’re eccentric.”

 

“A friend in need is a pest.”

 

I know all about cheating. I’ve had six very successful marriages.

 

You can win, it’ll just cost you some money.

Tony Schiavone: “Don’t try this in your backyard.”

Heenan: “Do it in your living room, it is much more fun. Or maybe in Tony’s living room, he’ll never know.”

 

(After Ric Flair low blows the British Bulldog) Gorilla: Did you see that? Talk about desperation.

Bobby: You know what’s at stake? A man’ll do anything!

Gorilla: Pulling out all the stops, Ric Flair doing whatever necessary to hang in there.

Bobby: I’d do that to my own grandmother if I had to.

Gorilla: I’m sure you would.

Hulk Hogan

Heenan and Hogan were the perfect foils for one another. Their paths crossed in WWE and WCW, and Heenan never missed an opportunity to cut the Hulkster down.

(Talking about Hulk Hogan and pyrotechnics)
“At least he doesn’t have to worry about his hair catching on fire.”

Gorilla: “This place is going crazy! Look at the Hulkster pointing to all of his hulkamaniacs!

Heenan: “He’s not pointing to anybody, he’s showing off how high he can count!”

 

Brain: (on Hogan’s theme music) “That’s my second favorite song.”

Gorilla: “I’m almost afraid to ask…what’s your favorite?”

“Brain: “All the rest are tied.”

On His Health Struggles

Heenan battled throat cancer since 2002. He underwent multiple grueling surgeries that ultimately removed pieces of his jaw and tongue. Despite the hardship, Heenan could still share his perpetually unique perspective. 

Everyone should have cancer one time – then you’d know that other things aren’t important. The guy that gives you the finger at the stoplight don’t mean nothing anymore. You come home and something’s cold, or you didn’t get something in the mail. Big deal. You want to get up every day and see your family and your friends.