7 Essential Questions That Will Actually Determine If Your Partner Is Unhappy

Relationships are often a guessing game — they shouldn’t have to be, but sometimes that can be the reality of the situation. Whether you’re struggling with a sneaking suspicion that there’s trouble brewing in paradise, or you feel like your relationship with your partner has stagnated or changed, don’t panic; the best way to handle either case is to have a frank, honest conversation and start from there.

While you may be convincing yourself that things are headed down a path to relationship ruin, the truth could be found in any number of other explanations. And even if you’re onto something, no good will come of extrapolating. Treat your partner as you would want to be treated and open up a dialogue about what needs to change (and what doesn’t!) in your current arrangement. You’ll both be better for it.

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Do you feel valued?

Sometimes in long-term relationships, we take for granted that the other person knows how we really feel (after all, we’re in love with them and dating them, right?). But it turns out that feeling valued isn’t as simple as knowing there’s someone who wants to eat dinner with you. While most of our relationships tend to start off on relatively equal footing (which is how we get into them in the first place), with time, it often happens that “eventually one person will value the other more than he or she is valued by the other,” says Mark D. White, PhD. 

In order to keep that at bay, it’s important to check in with one another from time to time — feeling undervalued can be extremely destructive to relationships (it’s even often cited as an element of divorce) and can be difficult to spot, depending on how your partner experiences his or her sense of being undervalued.

How do you think I see you?

This question works double-duty: It allows you to learn more about how your partner wants to be seen, and also where his or her sensitivities are in terms of if and when they feel judged. While we all have our pet peeves about our partners and we tend to exaggerate our own virtues from time to time, it’s been suggested in a 2010 study that individuals in the best romantic relationships actually rate their partners more highly than themselves. This practice could contribute to greater partner satisfaction, but only if the partner knows it (see the previous slide). Open up a conversation about how your partner thinks you view them, then try to avoid interjecting or rebutting their feelings so that the conversation can stay productive. Remember, this is simply how they feel you see them — you have every opportunity to change that!

What would you want our life to look like in the future?

It’s pretty common to talk a lot about the future when you’re in the honeymoon period of a new relationship, but many couples stop revisiting this topic after they settle into a rhythm. However, it’s actually extremely important to continue checking in about what you and your partner envision for the future. According to Monica Martinez, M.Ed, a Master’s level counselor and Gottman Seven Principles Program Educator, many couples avoid having these talks as they move deeper into their relationships because they’re afraid they’ll find out something about their plans is incompatible. These couples wonder, “If they don’t want the same things I do, will we have to break up?,” she says. “The answer is, depending on the circumstances, maybe. And therein lies the fear.”

But avoiding these conversations isn’t the answer, and can only lead to more issues down the road. It’s essential to overcome this fear and be open and frank about your vision for the future — both for your sake and your partner’s.

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Do you feel heard and understood?

Communication is key in any relationship, and if one party isn’t feeling heard and understood, it can be a recipe for resentment and discord. Ask this question to get your partner’s read on whether you are able to accurately describe their fears and concerns in the relationship. Sometimes, not feeling heard or understood can manifest in even the smallest situations — as when one person constantly offers advice when the other simply wants to vent about current problems. By frankly evaluating how well you understand one another, you can move toward a more harmonious relationship.

What do you love about our relationship?

Not every question needs to be anxiety-inducing! You can learn a lot about your partner and what they value by asking what is working in the current relationship, too. This can help you prioritize the kinds of time you spend together; what your partner loves most about your union might be things you’d never considered before. So, by having the conversation, you can focus on what’s important to both of you. Additionally, how they answer this question can be a confidence-booster or a major warning sign: If they have trouble listing things they like about the current arrangement, it may be time to re-evaluate.

What are your top priorities right now?

If your partner has been acting distant, it could be a sign that something is wrong in your relationship… or it could be a sign that other areas of life are preoccupying his mind. This question helps you get to the heart of both possibilities at once. Asking about your partner’s priorities at the moment is a non-threatening way to determine where you fall in their plans and their current mental workload.

Similarly to asking about the future, this helps you get a sense for what your partner is envisioning for your relationship and life together. Priorities are always shifting, and asking your significant other what’s at top-of-mind right now can help you understand what it’s like to be in his or her shoes. One month’s priorities might be negotiating a raise at work, planning for a family vacation, and saving money for a down-payment on a house: even a seemingly-straightforward answer like this one gives you major insight into your S.O.’s inner world. 

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I’m sensing you’re unhappy. Can we talk?

Sometimes, the best thing to do is ask the most obvious question, and be willing and open to hear the answer. “I suggest not beating around the bush, and simply asking them outright, from a position of empathy and concern versus hostility,” says David Bennett, counselor and co-author of the site The Popular Man. 

As Bennett explained to INSIDER, “many relationship problems develop because there isn’t direct communication.” The quickest way to get to the root of the problem (or determine if there truly is a problem) is to ask directly, in a calm and clear manner. This opens up space for a frank and forthcoming dialogue, which can be an invaluable tool for any successful relationship.

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