Bethenny Frankel may be dating Paul Bernon, but the Real Housewives of New York City star is still struggling to move on from the tragedy of beau Dennis Shields' death.
After finding an old note from Shields in her pocket months after his August 2018 death during Wednesday's all-new episode of the Bravo reality show, Frankel found herself going down a rabbit hole looking for old signs of their longterm relationship.
"I want to find the note from the flowers, when he would send flowers and I kept the little card," she told her housekeeper as she dug through old Valentine's Day cards and photos of big events like the night of their informal engagement.
It was clear finding remnants of her life with Shields and what could have been before he died of a suspected overdose was shaking the Skinnygirl mogul's confidence in having embraced a new romantic relationship.
"I'm seeing someone in Boston and it's evolving, it's definitely moving forward," she confessed to the camera. "But of all the people that you could lose, Dennis is one of the hardest because he's so ever-present."
She continued, "There are just certain people who you quote all the time and that you remember all the time, and I can't get him out of my head."
Crying, Frankel explained that while she thought she was "sort of almost ready," it was proving more difficult than she ever could have imagined to get over.
"I'm really tired of this," she sobbed to the camera. "This is not the life that I want. But it's really hard to break away from him. It's harder than you think."
Part of Frankel's emotional journey surrounding Shields' death, she revealed earlier this season, was the guilt she feels after calling things off with him just days before he passed.
“There was a lot in my mind about him dying right after that. I could not get off the ride. I feel guilty that the only way I got off the ride is that he’s dead,” she told a grief counselor. “I hope I didn’t have anything to do with him dying.”
“Dennis told me if we didn’t work out, he was never going to be in a relationship again. He was going to be alone for the rest of his life,” she later told the camera. “It was a tremendous pressure, and it kept me in. I don’t know what happened that night ,and I will always have to live with that for whatever that means.”0comments
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. ET on Bravo.
Photo credit: Instagram/Bethenny Frankel