Stephen Colbert Explains Why Gandalf Doesn't Do Weddings

You can say a great many things about Stephen Colbert, but don't ever say he doesn't know his Lord of the Rings lore.

During his most recent monologue, the host of The Late Show broached the topic of Napster co-founder Sean Parker's wedding, specifically who Parker wanted for the ceremony. It turns out that Parker actually requested the services of Sir Ian McKellan, but not as himself. He wished to be married by Gandalf The White, as the entire wedding was themed around Lord of the Rings.

For his part, Parker offered the accomplished actor $1.5 million to do it, but McKellan declined the invitation, saying "I am sorry, Gandalf doesn't do weddings."

Colbert celebrated McKellan's decision but added in a few thoughts of his own.

"Damn right! Gandalf doesn't have time to marry you, Sean Parker, he is a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Arnor, he killed the mothertrucking Balrog after chasing the ancient immortal demon through the tunnels of Khazad-dum, so they climbed the peak of Zirakzigil where he smoked the demon's rune on the mountainside."

Colbert wasn't done either, and his next salvo took a few jabs at Napster.

"And did you know that Gandalf himself died and returned from the dead as Gandalf the white, and why? So he could marry the Napster guy? No! Napster hasn't been a thing since Earendil flew Vingilot t to Valinor."


If you're going to invite Gandalf, it stands to reason some other people might want to tag along, and it might cause a problem for the ceremony.

"If you invite Gandalf to the wedding besides if you invite Gandalf, Golem's going to want to be the ring bearer and somebody is going to be losing a finger."