Kerry Washington Contemplated Suicide While Battling 'Toxic' Eating Disorder
The actress confessed that her mental and physical health struggles led to "tiny little acts of trying to destroy myself."
Kerry Washington has revealed that she once contemplated suicide while battling a "toxic" eating disorder. The former Scandal actress shared her experiences while talking to Robin Roberts for a 20/20 special, which will air on Sunday. According to PEOPLE, during the interview, Washington admitted that she was "trying to destroy" herself while fighting the illness, which she recounts in her upcoming memoir, Thicker Than Water, out on Sept. 26.
Washington shared an excerpt from the book, and recalled that as a teenager her body image was so broken down that by the time she left for college her relationship with eating had "become a toxic cycle of self abuse that utilized the tools of starvation, binge eating, body obsession and compulsive exercise." In a GMA preview of the interview, Washington told Roberts, "I could feel how the abuse was a way to really hurt myself, as if I didn't want to be here. It scared me that I could not want to be here because I was in so much pain."
Roberts then asked Washington if she ever considered suicide, to which the actress responded, "Yeah. Yeah ... The behavior was tiny little acts of trying to destroy myself." Washington went on to confess that she sought strength from her faith to help as battled for her mental and physical health. "The first thing that put me on my knees – like the first time I got on my knees and prayed to some power greater than myself to say like, 'I can't do this, I need some help' – was with my eating disorder," she shared.
"I was good at performing 'perfect.' I was good at control. I could party all night and drink and smoke and have sex and still show up and have good grades," Washington continued. "I knew how to manage; I was so high-functioning and the food took me out. The body-dysmorphia, the body-hatred, it was beyond my control and really led me to feeling like, 'I need help for somebody, or something, bigger than me because I'm in trouble and I don't know how to live with this.' "
Washington later shared that while she still has to "check myself" from time to time, she is now in a much better place with her eating disorder. "I wouldn't say that I never act out with food, it's just very different now," she admitted. "It's not to the extreme. There's no suicidal ideation, that is not where I am anymore. But I know, 'Oh, I'm really in this chocolate, this is good information for me.' The bottom has gotten a lot higher where just a little discomfort with it is enough for me to know this is a way to check myself."
"But it definitely looks a lot healthier. It's a lot easier. It's a lot saner than it used to be," Washington added, finally offering that she feels like it was right to share her story "with purpose" even though she normally keeps her personal life private, saying, "I've never wanted to share my private life for the sake of fame or for the sake of attention."
If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. The previous Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available.