‘Total Bellas’: Nikki Bella Says John Cena Split ‘Kicked Me Straight in the Face’

Nikki Bella may have been the one to call off her wedding to John Cena, but that didn’t make getting over her ex any easier.

In Sunday’s Season 4 premiere of Total Bellas, the WWE Superstar struggled to break the news to twin sister Brie Bella and brother-in-law Daniel Bryan that she would be leaving San Diego behind for Los Angeles following the end of her relationship.

“My break up has been a very difficult thing,” Nikki explained of her desire for a fresh start. “I don’t wanna compare it to death or divorce, but you’re pretty much saying goodbye to something forever.”

Concerns about becoming a mother and her life down the line with Cena ended up giving Nikki pause when it came to their nuptials, which she called off not once, but twice during Season 3 of the E! reality show. But with Cena out of her life, Nikki is realizing just how much she depended on her partner of six years.

“He was my rock,” she recalled. “He was the one who always lifted me up, and it has kicked my a— and kicked me straight in the face realizing that, ‘Woah, I just let go of my number one supporter.’”

She continued, “It’s been tough lately. I don’t know if I can even get through it.”

Beginning her life over at 34 without kids wasn’t ideal for her, Nikki explained, but “it’s been almost a year of not being in a good place, and I just want to be a happy person again.”

Despite her new intention, moving the last of her things out of her shared home with Cena was definitely a heart-wrenching step.

“It shuts the door of your heart to that love and those memories,” she said of moving out for good, “and that no new memories will be made, which is so hard to think about.”

She continued, “I guess it’s tough, because I try to be so strong all the time, and I think the whole moving on process has been the toughest for me.”

In September, Nikki told Us Weekly that she hadn’t exactly been jumping at the chance to date around, explaining, “It’s kind of boring in the dating life, but other than that, it’s been a lot of fun. I’ve just been busy working and I just love everything that [sister Brie Bella] and I are up to. It’s just been a lot of fun.”

But in January, the publication reported that the wrestler was dating her former Dancing With the Stars partner Artem Chigvintsev, and had been seeing him for “a while.”

Total Bellas airs Sundays at 9 p.m. ET on E!

Photo credit: Getty / Jeff Kravitz / Contributor