'The Bachelor' Alum Juelia Kinney Cried Herself to Sleep for a Year After Husband's Suicide

The Bachelor alum Juelia Kinney opened up about her husband's 2013 suicide in an emotional post on Instagram Tuesday, revealing that she cried herself to sleep for a year after the tragedy.

Kinney, 34, shared a gallery on Instagram, beginning with a photo of herself with 5-year-old daughter Ireland. She then highlighted her favorite songs, Rachel Platten's "Fight Song," Kesha's "This Is Me" and Katy Perry's "Roar."

"If you met me today you probably would never know the deep despair I felt in the last 5-6 years," Kinney began in the long caption. "It's hard to look back without tears falling down my face. To think of when I cried myself to sleep for an entire year. Going to Target to get pajamas for my baby daughter and only finding ones that read 'daddy's princess' The doctors asking me why I didn't put any information about her father on the intake form... After that first year that Dustin died I felt pain upon pain upon pain. Watching Ireland with all her firsts and all the firsts without Dustin. I felt so alone."

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If you met me today you probably would never know the deep despair I felt in the last 5-6 years. It’s hard to look back without tears falling down my face. To think of when I cried myself to sleep for an entire year. Going to Target to get pajamas for my baby daughter and only finding ones that read “daddy’s princess”. The doctors asking me why I didn’t put any information about her father on the intake form... After that first year that Dustin died I felt pain upon pain upon pain. Watching Ireland with all her firsts and all the firsts without Dustin. I felt so alone. When the year mark hit I decided that enough was enough. I could wallow in my sorrows for the rest of my life and no one would blame me... but that is no way to live. I wanted to be a role model for my daughter that you don’t just give up when life gets hard. You pick yourself up and do what needs to be done to get back on track! I know saying that is much easier said than done. The most important way to change your circumstance is to change your mindset. One thing that I did that helped me more than I can describe is listening to positive and encouraging music EVERY morning the second I woke up. This might sound dumb, but please try it!! It just gets your head in the right space. Surrounding yourself ONLY with people who encourage you. Everyone else can go immediately. You don’t have to feel bad about this, this is about you and not them. You need to heal! Accepting what has happened is just a part of your journey. Wishing it didn’t happen or wondering why it happened to you will do you absolutely no good. You can’t control what happened to you, you get to control how you respond. I know you might be in a place like I was where the pain feels like you’re drowning. I PROMISE IT WILL GET BETTER!!! I’m so sorry you have had to go through this - but you are not alone. Whatever you’re going through does not define you. You will be a better, more empathetic person on the other side. I posted a few of the songs I used to listen to in the mornings. Try it and DM me how you feel after doing this. I truly care and want to help. So much love to you all ❤️

A post shared by Juelia Kinney (@jueliakinney) on Feb 19, 2019 at 6:30pm PST

After the one-year anniversary of her husband's death, Kinney decided she had to move beyond her sorrow and be a role model to her daughter, to show you "don't just give up when life gets hard."

"The most important way to change your circumstance is to change your mindset," Kinney continued. "One thing that I did that helped me more than I can describe is listening to positive and encouraging music EVERY morning the second I woke up. This might sound dumb, but please try it!! It just gets your head in the right space. Surrounding yourself ONLY with people who encourage you. Everyone else can go immediately. You don't have to feel bad about this, this is about you and not them. You need to heal!"

Kinney wrote that acceptance is "just a part of your journey" and wishing a tragedy never happened or wondering why it happened "will do you absolutely no good. You can't control what happened to you, you get to control how you respond."

In the end, Kinney shared some words of wisdom to anyone who may have gone through a similar tragedy.

"I know you might be in a place like I was where the pain feels like you're drowning. I PROMISE IT WILL GET BETTER!!! I'm so sorry you have had to go through this - but you are not alone. Whatever you're going through does not define you. You will be a better, more empathetic person on the other side," the former reality TV star wrote. "I posted a few of the songs I used to listen to in the mornings. Try it and DM me how you feel after doing this. I truly care and want to help. So much love to you all."

Kinney was a contestant on The Bachelor for Chris Soules' season in 2015 and later appeared on Bachelor in Paradise that same year. In July 2018, she found love again, announcing her engagement to Aaron Bass, the brother of The Bachelorette contestant Evan Bass.

If you or someone you know has suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255.

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