Nicole Kidman Recalls ‘Struggling’ After Tom Cruise Divorce When She Won Oscar in 2003: ‘I Went to Bed Alone’

Nicole Kidman recently opened up about “struggling” in the aftermath of her divorce from Tom Cruise. Speaking to author Dave Karger for his new book, 50 Oscar Nights, the actress shared that she “went to bed alone” the night in 2003 she won her Academy Award for the film The Hours. “I was struggling with things in my personal life, yet my professional life was going so well,” she shared. “That’s what happens, right?”

Following her win, Kidman says she wasn’t sure what to do but opted to at least make an appearance or two. “I’m not a big party girl, so I was going to skip the Vanity Fair party, and everyone was like, ‘You’ve got to go. You’ve got to walk through the party carrying your Academy Award,’” she recalls, per PEOPLE. “I said, ‘That just feels like gloating, and it doesn’t feel humble.’Like, what? You can’t walk through carrying the award! That feels really inappropriate. They’re like, ‘That’s what you do.’”

“So I literally walked in, carried it around, was completely overwhelmed, emotional, shaking, and I didn’t enjoy it,” she confessed. “I was almost apologetic, which is so stupid. I wish I could have enjoyed it more.”

The actress went on to share, “I went home and ended up ordering takeout and eating it on the floor of the Beverly Hills Hotel. I sat on the floor of the hotel eating French fries and a burger with my family and went to bed. That’s when it hit me. I went, I need to find my love; I need a love in my life. Because this is supposed to be when you go, ‘This is ours.’” Finally, she revealed “I went to bed alone; I was in bed before midnight. If I ever won again, I’m telling you, I’d be out for 24 hours.”

Kidman was married to Tom Cruise from 1990 until 2001. They were married for 11 years until she filed for divorce. The couple share two adult adopted two children: a daughter, Isabella, and son, Connor. After her divorce from Cruise, Kidman secretly dated Lenny Kravitz, whom she revealed years later she’d been engaged to. Eventually, Kidman married country music singer — and fellow Aussie — Keith Urban in 2006. The couple share two daughters: Sunday Rose, born in 2008, and Faith Margaret, born in 2010.