Leah Messer is opening up about a time in her life in which she seriously contemplated suicide. The Teen Mom 2 star detailed one of the darkest moments in her life in an Us Weekly excerpt from her upcoming memoir, Hope, Grace & Faith, which will be available everywhere on Tuesday, May 5. In the preview, Messer revealed she was really struggling after learning daughter Ali, now 10, had muscular dystrophy.
"When I think about Ali, I just want to know why this is happening to her. She is so sweet and innocent. She deserves to have the same future as her sisters," said Messer, also mom to Ali's twin Aleeah, whom she shares with ex-husband Corey Simms and daughter Adalynn, 7, whom she shares with ex-husband Jeremy Calvert. "I want to scream at the world that it isn't fair. I would never wish what Ali has on another child, but why her?"
"Why did she have to be born into a body that won't have the strength to run along the beach, do a cartwheel, or climb a tree? I'm so sad and angry all the time I can barely eat … or sleep … or breathe. I feel like I'm suffocating. When I close my eyes at night, the voice in my head gets stuck in an endless loop," she continued, revealing she began to think, "Is it my fault? Is Ali being punished because I'm a bad person? Am I doing enough to get her the help she needs? Do I even deserve to be her mother? Maybe the girls would be better off without me."
Amid this kind of turmoil, Messer revealed she considered taking her own life, almost driving off a cliff before realizing it wasn't what she truly wanted. She recalled, "I don't even remember getting into my car. I just know that I can barely see the road through the tears streaming down my face. I glance back over my shoulder at the three, crumb-covered car seats behind me. Except for Addie's sippy cup, they're empty. I do a mental check. Ali and Aleeah are with their dad. Addie is spending the night with Jeremy's mom while he's away working. It's just me in the car."
She continued: "I press my foot down on the gas and watch as the needle on the speedometer goes from 80…to 90…to 110 mph. It's dark and there's no one else on road. I've driven down this stretch of Mink Shoals Hill a thousand times. There's a steep cliff off the side of the road just up ahead. It would be so easy to drive my car over the edge. Then it would all be over. No more worries. No more failure. No more pain. Instead, I slow down and pull over to the side of the road. I turn off the engine and put my head down on the steering wheel. A lifetime of tears comes pouring out of the deepest part of my soul."
Once Messer began crying, she found a whole new depth to her emotions. "I take a deep breath and a calming stillness settles over me. It's like I was in the middle of a violent thunderstorm, then suddenly the clouds parted and now everything is bathed in a warm light. I can see clearly what I have to do. My daughters need me," she wrote. "It would be selfish to abandon them, to leave them with the same void I've been trying to fill my whole life. For better or worse, I'm all they have. I need to be stronger. I need to get the hell out of here and fix myself, so I can be the mother that my daughters deserve."
If you or someone you know are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741-741.