'Young and the Restless' Star Kristoff St. John's Ex Wife Mia Relapses After 30 Years of Sobriety

Mia St. John, the ex-wife of the late The Young And The Restless star Kristoff St. John, revealed that she relapsed after 30 years of sobriety following his death in early February.

"I lost my 30 years' sobriety," Mia, 51, told PEOPLE Thursday. "I'm ashamed, believe me. I had 30 years of sobriety, I thought I was the s—. Like I was queen of mental health. I'm a mental health advocate. I felt as small as you can get. My ego was crushed. But I feel like I want to look at the bigger picture and my higher self."

The professional boxer continued, "It's about the good of all. And if I can help someone out, and say if there's just nothing it doesn't mean that I'm a weak person. I'm just an imperfect person and we all have to find a way to pick ourselves up and carry on."

St. John died on Feb. 3 at age 52, four years after Mia and St. John's son Julian died in 2014. Julian died by suicide while a patient at a Long Beach, California mental health facility. In a statement two weeks after St. John's death, Mia told Entertainment Weekly St. John died of a "broken heart."

"These mental health issues are real," Mia explained. "Kristoff suffered from bipolar, our son had schizophrenia and I just felt like it was so hard for people to pay attention."

Before St. John died, he called her "depressed," "drinking" and "disoriented." He told her Julian was coming to his house to go for a walk with his father, but Mia told him they were not.

"He said, 'Understand, you've got to live in the present observe all the good things in your life and others around you. Julian would not want you to live your life with bitterness and upset, it eats away with you and drains your life slowly but surely. You must rise to the occasion and accept the beauty around you. I believe in you,'" Mia recalled.

St. John also battled mental illness, and was on a 72-hour psychiatric hold in 2017. After Julian died, Mia and St. John founded the El Saber es Poder (Knowledge is Power) Foundation to raise awareness of mental illness.

Mia said she suffered a mental health crisis after her ex-husband's death and was hospitalized briefly.

"I'm out of the hospital. I'm sorry if I scared anyone. Let's [please] focus on the wellness of his precious girls Lola & Paris," Mia wrote on Instagram. "They love their father so much, the beautiful, loving, funny soul that he was/is [Mental Health] is all we have, nothing else is as important."

St. John and Mia were married from 1991 to 1995. The actor was also married to Allana Nadal from 2001 to 2007, and was engaged to Kseniya Mikhaleva at the time of his death. He is also survived by his daughter with Mia, Paris Nicole, and daughter with Nadal, Lola.

If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

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