'Teen Mom OG' Star Amber Portwood Tearfully Recalls Alcoholic Father: 'I Prayed for His Death'

05/20/2020 08:22 am EDT

Amber Portwood is trying to work past the abuse of her childhood as she moves forward in her relationship with Belgian boyfriend Dimitri. The Teen Mom OG star opened up about the impact her late father, Shawn Sr., and his alcoholism has had on her when her new beau accompanied her to a therapy session in Tuesday's episode of the MTV series.

Portwood admitted she knew she needed to address her trust issues with a professional after news of her new relationship leaked online, and she forced Dimitri to take a lie detector test. When he passed the test, confirming he had no ill intentions in pursuing her romantically, Portwood admitted to being "ecstatic" and "really scared" that the results mean "moving to the next step" of her relationship. "I didn't really grow up around a lot of love," she told her therapist.

The mother-of-two added it was "pretty hard" for her to live a normal life after the impact of her father when "all you knew until the age of 14 was, 'You're a b—,' 'You're this,' 'You're that.' It messes with your head a little." When her therapist explained that growing up with an "alcoholic father" before his death in 2014 had a lot to do with Portwood's adult relationships, the reality personality agreed. "It has everything to do with it, honestly," Portwood explained. "At the end, with my father, I loved him to death, but in the beginning, I prayed for his death."

Portwood wanted to make her new romance work in the wake of the explosive end of her relationship with Andrew Glennon, with whom she welcomed son James before domestic battery charges against her in July 2019 prompted a messy split. (Portwood also shares 11-year-old daughter Leah with ex Gary Shirley). Saying she had explained to Dimitri more about her bipolar, borderline personality disorder, anxiety and PTSD diagnoses, the MTV star felt understood.

"I said to him, 'Just, sometimes, you have to be gentle with me,' and I said, 'You know, it's not just you that has to be that way, I have to be gentle with you too,'" Portwood revealed, saying her relationship feels "completely different" than those in the past, as she gets "respect back" from the man she met online.

"But now its time for me to get my s— together," she told him. "I just want to make sure I'm able to fall in love with you without putting all of these past issues on you. I just don't think that's fair to you." Knowing she could fall in love with Dimitri "100 percent with no questions," Portwood admitted, "I'm scared I'm going to get hurt."

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