Dad of 4 Daughters Not Sugarcoating His Instagram Photos, Has Almost 1 Million Followers

Background Extras

"No, this is not a background extra milking their scene in some low budget B movie horror film," Hooper wrote in October of 2018. "It's the moment when I was getting headshots taken for my book & Ottie decided she absolutely positively couldn't give me a moment to myself - transforming my moment, very much into her moment."

"Clemmie scooped her up seconds later & I can laugh at this now but it does remind me just how hard it can be to achieve the simplest of tasks when a wailing child is within close promixity (sic)," he added.

Play Time

"One moment I'm method acting the crap out of my role as a granny named Lucy at an exclusive tea party hosted by the twins, the next they've abandoned me quicker than the entourage of a celebrity embroiled in a sex scandal to act out scenes from a budget version of king Kong," Hooper humorously shared in a May 4 post.

"In that moment, I transformed from being an engaged parent to a 36 year old man in tent who's been left ponder his life choices whilst talking to himself in strange accents & drinking air from a wooden cup," he continued. "Isn't parenting wonderful. There's a long list of things I've continued to do when the those with the attention span of an senile goldfish decide to sod off that includes colouring, Lego, playing with dolls & simple puzzles that I time myself to complete because, well, why not!"

Teeth Check

"Will any of my daughters follow basic instructions when I dish them out and then repeat them like a skipping record until I bore myself? No," Hooper captioned a February 2019 post of daughter Delilah at a dentist appointment. "Will they become compliant balls of putty that perform tasks like a well trained seal when asked by a complete stranger in rubber gloves who's wielding a sharp implement? Yep, all day long."

"In fact, Delilah was obviously experiencing some sort of Stockholm syndrome during her check up as she gazed at her interrogator longingly in the eyes for the entire duration of this check up which was frankly weird to watch," he added. "Kids really do do anything for a sticker these days - at least she wasn't scared I guess, it's just a shame a family check up takes half a day now and involves up taking up an entire waiting room!"

Crime Watch

"Someone call crime watch!" Hooper captioned a photo an older photo of his twins. "Took this picture of a guy getting mugged in broad day light today."

"The 2 confidence tricksters are known in the local area and ply their trade by pretending to love their victims and then, when their guard is down, scratching their faces to pieces, pulling their hair and dribbling on them until they are given milk or rice cakes," he explained their crime. "The suspects are described as looking exactly the same, to the degree that their father cant tell them apart. They are around 2.5 ft tall, talk with a strange accent and are incredibly cute. Some previous victims had said they smell like a childrens play centre toilets but that has yet to be confirmed."

Dress Up

"Yes I do look like the mid 30's love child of a Disney Princess and the Easter bunny or perhaps an unsuccessful drag act you'd find on a cruise liner who specialises in animal impressions, but this what happens when you let you children projectile vomit the contents of the dressing up box onto you," Hooper captioned a 2018 photo of himself dressed up as a princess.

"Clemmie walked in on us after l having called us for dinner multiple times to find what must look like the hangers-on who are still sleeping in field 2 days after the festival finished - me, a blond Bob Dylan lookalike, a fairy & a disgruntled Delilah who was livid that the very hungry Caterpillar costume was covered in welded on Weetabix," he added.

"Clemmie turned & walked out in silence - you said you'd take me in sickness and in health - well dressing up is my sickness," he concluded. "Now, how do you dislocate your shoulders to get out of this human body trap?"

Human Jungle Gym

"If there is one thing that us dads are good for its being used as a mobile human climbing frame," Hooper boasted in a September 2016 post. "We're practicing our routine for britain's got talent, the talent being how many family members can hang off me (kind of a real life buckaroo game) before I slip a disc and crumple into a pathetic mess crying like a child who's grazed their knee for the first time."

"Now all I need it for @mother_of_daughters to get on my back and the twins to rest of my shoulders and the award is surely mine," he added.

Slime

"As you can tell from my FML face, I'm passionate about slime, so here's a very honest process to making it," Hooper lamented in September of 2017. "Buy a shed load of PVA glue, so much that people think you have a problem & are secretly drinking the stuff. then spend a couple of days scouring every pharmacy & supermarket for contact lens cleaning solution - FYI you won't find any as every parent out there has bought it in bulk & screwed anyone who actually needs to clean their contacts."

"If you're insane / being bullied by a child, buy borax off the internet from the US as a substitute - I'm sure you can find high grade stuff on the dark web as that's were all the kids are hanging out these days," he advised.

"Go on youtube & watch 50 terrible videos of kids making slime," Hooper continued. "Follow their instructions, mix it all together until you arm feels broken and you can't remember you're own name and after 30 failed attempts, a bin full of glue & an empty wallet, you too will end up with a substance that you'll forever be picking out of carpets, scraping of work tops and cursing forever more as the kids then secretly make more & more of the stuff with corrosive household products."

"Expect awesome 'its not fair' arguments when you try to ban it & for them to buy it off entrepreneurial kids at school on the black market to get their fix while circumnavigating annoying parents," he concluded. "t's fun for the whole family!"

Sharing Is Caring

"Sharing is caring. Unless you're talking about a hamster, in which case, sharing can take a long walk off a short pier in concrete boots," Hooper shared in 2018. "Although we have 2 hamsters, it's fluffy (The least originally named hamster in world) that my heart goes out to as without making a conscious choice, he looks like a soft toy and is therefore the one that gets loved to death by the ottie and Delilah."

"It's like watching Of mice and Men in real time as their claw like hands simultaneously grab for him and enter into a battle of who can love him the most," he wrote. "Taking turns doesn't computer for these 2, so inevitably one twin tests the sound proofing of the house by screaming, while the other vigorously massages him until he's returned the to relative safety of his cage where he no doubt thinks about what he's going to say at his next 'over handled pets' support group. Oh the life of a pet around toddlers."