Ever wondered what it was like to recreate all the sex scenes from Fifty Shades Darker? A writer for Cosmopolitan, Krista McHarden, along with her husband, attempted all the wild positions and used the BDSM sex toys over the course of one weekend and things went down quite differently than in the wildly popular novels penned by author E.L. James.
In the provocative romance books, there are a seemingly endless number of steamy sexy scenes between main characters Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. As for the Fifty Shades Darker story, which is the second book of the trilogy, there are a set of sex positions and toys described in graphic detail. Krista McHarden and her spouse were determined to try them all on a weekend. See how it turned out below:
The "Ice Cream Scene" - Saturday 9 a.m.
Passage from the book: He takes another spoonful and lets the ice cream dribble onto my breasts. Then with the back of the spoon, he spreads it over each breast and nipple. Oh ... it's cold. Each nipple peaks and hardens beneath the cool of the vanilla. "Cold?" Christian asks softly, and bends to lick and suckle all the ice cream off me once more, his mouth hot compared to the cool of the ice.
"The cold sensation from the ice cream and freezing spoon was a bit jarring on my nipples at first, but other than that, it was the *tits*," McHarden wrote.
While the "ice cream" sex was worth the experiment, it was a mess to cleanup.
"Between the sticky vanilla ice cream and various bodily excrements, it was grody. Christian Grey's maid must really hate him," McHarden admitted.
Unfortunately for McHarden and her husband, several of the other sex acts weren't nearly as pleasurable.
Passage from the book: He grins then shakes his head, admonishing me, so I let go. He nods, and I bend down and grasp the sides of the chair. He moves my panties to one side and very slowly slides a finger into me, circling leisurely, so I feel him, on all sides. I can't help the moan that escapes from my lips.
He withdraws his finger briefly and with tender care, inserts the balls one at a time, pushing them deep inside me. Once they are in position, he smoothes my panties back into place and kisses my backside.
McHarden had her husband insert the metal balls into her vagina, and then they were off to an afternoon birthday party in a park. The outing wasn't quite as glamorous as attending a masquerade ball, and the sexual activity wasn't nearly as sexy for Krista as one may have imagined.
"All in all, I didn't love it; my regular vagina feels just fine, and I didn't need the constant worry that ball might pop out of my vag and roll into a game of lawn cricket," she wrote.
Passage from the book: "Put your hands behind your back," he murmurs. Oh! He removed his bow tie and uses it to quickly bind my wrists so that my hands are tied behind me, resting in the small of my back. "You really want this, Anastasia?" I close my eyes. This is the first time since I met him that I really want this. I need it.
"Yes," I whisper. "Why?" he asks softly as he caresses my behind with his palm. I groan as soon as his hand makes contact with my skin.
McHarden found this to be one of the more pleasurable sex acts in the Fifty Shades Darker experiment.
"I gotta say, I'm kinda into spanking? I didn't think I would be, because I honestly find the idea of being submissive to a man to be unappealing (WHO RUNS THE WORLD!), but I gotta say, I was tingling all over. After the spanking, we did it. We will definitely incorporate this more into our regular rotation. So far, so good!"
Passage from the book: "Legs," he orders. I open my legs, panting. The ruler strikes again. Ow — it stings, but its crack across my skin sounds worse than it feels … "I want to f*ck you now," he says, his voice strained.
"Yes," I murmur with longing. He undoes his fly, as I lie panting on the table, knowing that he's going to be rough. … I hear the telltale rip of foil, then he's standing behind me, between my legs, pushing them wider.
McHraden and her hubby don't own a pool table, so they decided to play a game of Scrabble instead. Krista won the game so that meant she got to spank her husband.
"I ordered him to bend over so I could go to town on his ass. He said he didn't like the look in my eyes but did it anyway. My internal monologue was something like, This one's for the Ben Wa balls! And this one's for forgetting to tell your sister to bring back my favorite bowl! And this is for the time you didn't read my mind about wanting to go to get sushi instead of Mexican food, and then I had the farts all night!" she wrote.
Passage from the book: Wrapping his free arm around my waist, Christian pulls me to him, holding me in place as his fingers explore. Holy f*****g sh*t ... in here?
The elevator travels smoothly down, stopping at the fifty-third floor to let some more people on, but I am not paying attention. I am focused on every little move his fingers make. Circling around ... now moving forward, questing, as we shuffle back.
While this scene in the movie may seem sexy, it wasn't such a good idea when McHarden and her husband tried to re-enact it.
"[My husband] didn't want to be arrested, and he certainly didn't want to get arrested when he was wrist-deep in my vagina...My editor decided that any over-the-clothes, below-the-belt fondling would work, and so some light butt-grabbing is what he settled on. We headed to a nearby hotel and hopped in an elevator with a bunch of kids and moms returning from the pool," she wrote.
"My husband lightly tapped my ass but refused to do more because there were children present. Understandable. Finally, we got an adults-only ride and while standing in the back, my husband squeezed my butt and said 'honk.' It was funny and we laughed. Nobody looked. Working theory: Nobody wants to look at anybody else in an elevator because we're all too worried about falling to our deaths via a cable snap. Anyway, this was dumb, and Ana and Christian are lucky their asses aren't in jail," McHarden continued.
Passage from the book: He begins a slow and sensual assault, his tongue swirling around and around while his fingers move inside me. Because I can't close my legs, or move, it's intense, really intense.
My back arches as I try to absorb the sensations. "Oh, Christian," I cry. "I know, baby," he whispers, and to ease up on me, he blows softly on the most sensitive part of my body.
"Basically, a spreader bar is a thing that's used to spread and hold a person's knees, legs, or arms apart. The one that I purchased from my sex shop of preference, Amazon.com, had built-in fuzzy ankle cuffs, which I thought were a nice touch," McHarden wrote.
This wasn't one of McHarden's favorites. She felt that there was no emotion in being restricted.
"I was dreading this because I don't like to not have control of all my limbs at all times. Hence, this playful torture device was a bit like actual torture, and I found it hard to enjoy myself with such restricted movement. My husband wasn't crazy about it either because we couldn't really touch each other or hold each other, and we're both very romantic and lovey-dovey (OH, YOU'RE FINE WITH BDSM BUT NOT REAL EMOTION?!)," she wrote.
Passage from the book: "I want to wash all of you," I whisper. He smiles that lopsided smile and lifts his hands in a gesture that says "I'm all yours, baby." I grin; it feels like Christmas.
I make short work of his zipper, and soon his pants and boxers join the rest of our clothing. I stand and reach for the body wash and the freshwater sponge. "Looks like you're pleased to see me," I murmur dryly.
The shower sex wasn't nearly as seductive as it is portrayed on screen for McHarden.
"We reluctantly got in the shower with all our clothes on — I'm glad my editor reminded me to wear cotton or else this would've been a real shit show! — and then when we were soaking wet, we tried to pull the clothing off each other. Which was hard and annoying because wet clothes really stick to the body, you know?!" she wrote.
Holy hell. It will be too intense. His hands move from my hips, down and around, slick and oiled, touching, feeling, kneading my skin — kneading my behind.
This was the last sex act of the book, and it was also the longest.
"So, first my husband put nipple clamps on me and YOWZA! That's a rush. My eyes immediately watered, and my husband inquired about my physical and mental well-being, to which I just said, 'Keep going! Let's just get this over with!' He looked at me like I was the saddest creature on earth, and then tied my legs to the bedposts and my wrists together over my head," McHarden wrote.
"He then put a small vibrator in my mouth, which I thought was gonna knock my teeth out, and then put it inside of my vagina. At that point, my husband said he felt like Dr. Frankenstein, and I was his monster creation. I've never felt sexier!!!
Actually, I felt like a Christmas ham but somehow less sexually appealing. We were then supposed to have sex but I was as dry as Wheat Thin and he was as hard as a banana slug. So, he took out the vibrator, took off the nipple clamps, and untied me," she added.
"Overall, we were both tired and just wanted to watch The Santa Clarita Diet, which is a comedy about cannibalism, so now you know what a weekend of Fifty Shadessexing will drive you to. And thus, the great experiment, take two, concluded with cuddling on the couch as we ate the rest of the vanilla ice cream and watched a TV show about a zombie who can't stop chowing down on human flesh. It all felt very appropriate. 'Til next time!" McHarden concluded.