Colton Haynes opens up about some of his past struggles.
The actor shared two journal entries in the latest issue of Paper magazine, E! News reports. He wrote about how his decisions to seek professional help and deciding to publicly come out helped him improve his quality of life.
In the first entry, dated Nov. 2, 2014, he said, “Something’s been off recently.”
"I honestly wake up after five hours of sleep wide-awake. It's probably from the bottle of wine I drank before I finally fell asleep/passed out or the amount of pills I'd had," Haynes said. "I read up on why I'm experiencing numbness and lack of circulation in my hands and feet and it's due to the stimulants I've been taking for quite some time now. It causes the blood flow to move toward the heart therefore removing it from the lesser needed places like my hands and feet."
He would stay up for hours wishing he was “the old Colton.”
"The person who used to love going out and talking to my family/friends. Now I'm so closed off to the world that I can't even get up enough courage to go in public," the Arrow star wrote. "I'm afraid of people and have become agoraphobic."
According to Haynes, he would very rarely leave his home unless he had work or needed food or liquor. He watched as his physical health declined, writing, "I used to look forward to working out and working on my physical appearance to build up the idea of what people think I am. I am not my cover. I am so full of emotion and love and I wish I was able to express that again."
Haynes said he didn’t know who he was anymore and would often times look back on past experiences, but that didn’t help. "Why can't I just be happy in the now?"
"I'm always searching for the next thrill, the next break, the next job. My life is a drug. I'm always chasing the next high," the 28-year-old TV star continued.
Although the public may think his opportunities are endless, he believed he was fading away. "People don't understand the things you give up when you step into the limelight. No one really wants to get to know you."
His next entry was dated on Nov. 12, 2016, showcasing many changes in his life. During those two years, he realized he never wants to relive in the mindset of his past. "[I was] so clouded and unsure about myself, my life, my privacy, my mental health. I'm finally in a position where I can say I'm the happiest I've ever been," he wrote.
"I've accomplished so much with so little and my smile is finally not forced. I've taken control of my own life for the first time and won't let anyone silence me or my passions ever again."
"I'm finally free. I'm successful. I'm independent...But most of all," he wrote, "I'm outspoken."