Sugar-free gummy bears might sound like a cool idea for those who love gummy bears but don't want all the sugar that comes with them. But unfortunately, one of the side effects is diarrhea.
Amazon reviews for the gummy bears make them sound as dangerous as actual bears. According to one 2012 review, they taste great, but after eating about 20 of them, "all hell broke loose."
"I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined," Christine E. Trook wrote. "Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me."
First, the flatulence came "like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell." It smelled like "1,000 rotten corpses vomited."
Then, the excrement came.
"What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw," Trook wrote. "I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible. AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS."
After it was over, she felt "violated."
"The reviews are so helpful. It is so difficult to be sure you are buying something over the internet that is [exactly] what you are searching for," one person wrote in 2013. "I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude."
Even though Amazon reviewers have been writing about these problems for years, people continue to buy them just to experience these same kind of problems. An unnamed Amazon customer published a review called "There Will Be Blood" in March 2017.
"My toilet/ass must be feeling what the Allied forces felt like against the German Blitzkrieg," the customer wrote. "The horrendous sound of demons screaming in your gut, is like an alarm clock without the snooze button. Do not lollygag when you hear them chant, you just run. And this should go without saying, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES trust a fart! I cannot stress that last part enough. I hope that you heed my warnings and prepare properly. Treat this as if it were a blizzard and stock up on just TP, forget the milk unless you are lactose intolerant and want the ultimate flush."
In 2014, Vice writer River Donaghy wanted to find out if the Amazon reviews were right. He was sceptical at first, but as the day went on, the bears attacked.
"The bears opened my lower pod bay door and a gummy hell sprang forth," Donaghy wrote. "I made it to the toilet, just barely. My watery s--- looked like a blend of bile and egg flower soup."
You can get a five-pound bag of the dangerous sugar-free gummy bears at Amazon for $21.01.
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